This is a cathartic outpouring that a need to
write so I can move on, so you can stop reading now if you don't want to read
doom and gloom.
anxious, but excited at the same time, I invest a lot of time and emotion in my
books and have come to realise writing books makes me anxious and depressed.
for the last 6 months of writing Rainbow Crocheted Blankets, at the time I
thought it was due to having to shut NDS and found it very difficult working
with an editor who made changes to my manuscript I didn't like, I felt out of
control as I was powerless to do anything about the bits I didn't like as the
editor had the last say. Don't get me wrong she was a lovely girl and doing the
best she could with a difficult author and produced a beautiful book, but
it wasn't exactly the book I would of published.
the final manuscript went to print was the day the world became a better place
and I stopped crying. After the experience I vowed never to write another book.
published a couple of booklets of blanket patterns and in October Rainbow
Crocheted Blankets was published, it was a huge success, by this time I'd
forgotten how depressed I'd been and started thinking about a new book.
approached by an agent and started making blankets, the new book was going to
be called Watercolour Crochet Blankets and focus on the colour blending
technique I used in my blankets.
of publishers weren't interested, but a third publisher was really
enthusiastic and I went to a meeting. The meeting was fantastic, the
publisher was excited and keen to work with me, she wasn't keen on the
watercolour idea, said I should make blankets I want to make rather than try
and stick to a theme, so the new version of the book became Circles
Crochet Blankets. I came away feeling rejuvenated and full of new ideas. The
only down side was the final decision would be made by the US office and they
wouldn't have a commissioning meeting until September.
born and my life took on new meaning.
came and went, October came and went, November came and went, all without a
decision. The US office had the meeting in December and loved the book, the UK
office started planning photo shoots and layouts, but still no decision.
this time my beloved Billy cat died, I was heartbroken and retreated into
myself a little.
long negotiations with my agent the publisher decided not to go ahead with the
book because even though I'd sold over 30,000 copies of Rainbow Crocheted
Blankets the numbers didn't add up and they weren't prepared to pay me the
price I asked for.
and March 2018
approached several more publishers including my existing publisher, they were
all keen and made offers, BUT none of them would improve on the deal I already
me feeling worthless and empty that no one considered that my book was worth
investing in. But I was not prepared to work for a pittance to pay for some
else's skying holiday while we struggle to make ends meet, so I turned all the
to self publish on Amazon, I did a test run with Madder Triangles, which I
renamed Crochet Madder Triangles so the search engines would pick it up.
I wish I could say it was a huge success, but it hasn't been, so even though it
didn't fill me with joy I was really happy with the book its and proud that I
produced it on my own. So I started work on the manuscript for Circles Crochet
beloved Loki dog died and we were/are still devastated, I still can't look at a
German Shepard without crying, his death has broken us all. I didn't realise it
was possible to grieve so much for a dog, but like Billy he had been with us
through all our trauma's of the past. Probably the worst part was watching
Tinks grieve, she didn't understand and had lost her life long companion, she
stopped eating, playing, didn't run anymore just lay on the sofa and sighed.
told our house was going to be sold and couldn't afford to buy it so needed to
find a new home, this broke me even further, but I kept writing the book, often
through tears and anxiety that we wouldn't be able to find somewhere new.
and moved into our new flat and even though I miss my big garden its perfect
for the 2 of us and has a south facing courtyard, my mood lifted a bit and I
enjoyed the summer.
Bert trying to pick the circles up off one of the blankets and realised that I
should be making a book for him. So Circles Crochet Blankets was split in 2, I
only had 8 blankets which wasn't enough for two books, so I chose eight of my
existing patterns (four for each book) which fitted with the themes of the two
new books, which are Bert's Crochet Baby Blankets and Moorland Crochet Blankets
which will be published next year.
brought home Oberon (Ron) our new lurcher puppy, Tinks hated him, 3 months
later she's still not that keen, but when she's not snapping at him they play
and run together and best of all she isn't grieving anymore. Ron has brought
new energy into our life, he'll never be loki or Billy, but he helps fill
the gaps they left and given us someone new to love.
my beloved land rover died. I know most people won't understand why I feel sad
about a car, but I've always loved driving and my cars are an extension of
myself, plus the Beast was one of the few things I had left of NDS.
time I'd almost stopped social networking, I haven't talked to several close
friends for nearly a year, I've buried myself deeper and deeper in my pit of
self doubt and depression.
nothing new or interesting to say, why would anyone want to buy the book? I'd
decided to publish Bert's book and the Moorland book and then give up writing
patterns completely, maybe edit a few of the old ones, but quietly fade into
obscurity, no one would notice.
the day I upload the manuscript and press submit on Bert's Crocheted Baby
Blankets, I can already feel the world is a brighter place, even though I'm on
my second attempt at uploading the file, the first pdf writer I used corrupted
the file ....grrrr
helped writing this blog post, maybe I've cried all the tears I have
left, maybe its because 2 years of disappointment and heart break are
the fight is still within me,
I have at
least another 2 books in me after Moorland Crochet Blankets, I need to rewrite
and re-publish Desirable Crochet Motifs and Bert is going to be a big brother
in March so I will need to do another baby book for my second grandchild.
Crochet Blankets isn't going to be anywhere near as big an emotional
roller coaster that Bert's book has been.
past year I've watched Bert grow from a tiny baby into a naughty but charming
always been surrounded by my loving family,
I have naughty
Ron to love and cuddle (even though he's all legs and going to be a lot bigger
than we thought.
I have a
tiny flat I love and am really happy in.
got another ridiculous car that drinks petrol, this one doesn't have a name,
but goes very fast and is totally unsuitable for life on the moor